Remember, if the women don't find you handsome (You have to turn your speakers on to hear the rest ...)

 http://softkit.hypermart.net/binladen.html Heh  Mr. Taliban hand over Bin Laden
 

The latest ploy to drive the Taliban out of Afghanistan  "Redneck Special Forces"  These are the following things the R.S.P. like about huntin' Taliban  1. there is no limit  2. season open all year  3. they taste just like chicken  4. they don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus  5. they don't like barbeque  6. they were probably responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death  - should be over in a week !

38 signs that you might be too Canadian for your own good

1. You know all the words to "If I Had a Million Dollars", including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
 2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly".
 3. You think God probably looks more like Gordon Pinsent than Charlton Heston.
 4. You experience a warm fuzzy feeling while picturing a fat man with a blonde Mr. Spock haircut giving a recorder recital to an audience of two: an orange and purple sleepy-eyed giraffe with a voice like Lee Marvin and a pin-headed hyper rooster who is made out of a flannel tea cozy and lives in a bag on the wall.
 5. You can easily get several people near you to wax nostalgic on this same image (#4).
 6. This doesn't bother you at all (#5).
 7. You know who Ernie Coombs is.
 8. You can still whistle the theme to "The Littlest Hobo".
 9. Whenever you hear the word "car", you have to stop yourself from involuntarily reaching back for a hockey net.
 10. You remember when Alanis Morisette was "Too Hot To Hold".
 11. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation's Heritage Moments, including your favorites, "I smell burnt toast, Doctor", "You all know I canna read a word... (was that REALLY Sarah McLachlan in that one?)", "Of course, the medium is the message", and "Kanata".
 12. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the "Hinterland Who's Who" spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
 13. You participate in "ParticiPACtion". At least, until you fall down laughing when you think of how your hair is getting "sweat-EE and out-of-CONtrol".
 14.You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
 15. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, "What's good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me".
 16. You really miss the ongoing saga of Jacques and William. Did they ever escape those soldiers? And what about the girls? Strangely, just thinking about it makes me thirsty...
 17. You wonder if you're the only one who would like to see Ralph Benmergui and Ian Hanomansing team up and become the new Wayne and Shuster.
 18. You wonder why there isn't a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
 19. You know Ashley MacIsaac isn't Celtic enough.
 20. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don't possess a Canadian passport. (All my brother needed was his driver's license, eh, to go across to Buffalo to get new tires for the truck eh)
 21. You have been on Speaker's Corner. Bonus points if The Devil's Advocates made fun of you.
 22. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing 'u's from labor, honor, and color.
 23. You know the French equivalents of "free", "prize" and "nosugar added", thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
 24. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
 25. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram's "Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo" opus.
 26. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
 27. You wonder idly if there is some government cover-up of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of "X Files" from British Columbia to California, but you're far too apathetic to do anything about it anyway, though it was nice seeing some of the old "Beachcombers" cast getting some TV work now and then.
 28. You wonder how the hell JD Roberts moved from MuchMusic VJ to national anchor for CBS.
 29. You know that a "Premier" isn't a baby born a few weeks early.
 30. You read rather than scanned this list..!!
 31. Your idea of Military Action on TV is Royal Canadian Air Farce, not J.A.G., or Pensacola Wings of Gold.
 32. You're definitely a Canuck if you can remember 3 or more targets of the Chicken Cannon.
 33. You remember where you were, and what you were doing, and who you were with when.... Paul Henderson scored the goal to beat the Russians in '72 (American's equivalent is where they were when they heard JFK was shot)
 34. You're proud of the fact that the hottest looking women on the planet, Pamela Anderson, Shania Twain, Celine Dion etc. are Canadian women (even though you'd never get closer to them than a poster from Sam the Record Man)
 35. You remind everybody that you knew "The Tragically Hip" when they were just a little band playing at Queen's in Kingston, which you then remind everyone is the home of Don Cherry, Dougie Gilmour and the origin of hockey
 36. You think its perfectly OK for Don Cherry to have kissed Dougie Gilmour on Coach's Corner though you'd stand a hundred yards away from the faggie guy who plays in the series "Kids in the Hall"
 37. You think the Americans did it on purpose, when their Honour Guard carried the Canadian flag upside down in the 1992 World Series
 38. You'd never admit it, but the main reason why you'll never trade the old pick-up truck in for a car is cause it is so damn handy for taking back the empties when they get piled up too high down at The Legion, besides, they always give you a few cold ones for making the trip.

Answer: "Everybody out of the pool please" (seriously, this cracks me up)

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  12 ways to tell if you might be a "HIGH TECH HOSER"

1. If you ever went looking for Bob and Doug McKenzie's home page.
2. If your email address ends in ".ca.eh".
3. If you connect to the WWW via a "Down" Home page.
4. If you ever doubled the value of your second-hand Ford F-150 by installing a cell phone.
5. If your baseball cap reads Intel, instead of Cat.
6. If your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.
7. If your wife said "Either she, or the computer had to go", and you don't miss her cause you got re-married in a chat room to a cyber babe.
8. If you ever used one of those free Bank of Montreal CD-ROMs as a coaster to set your beer on.
9. If your screen saver is a bitmap of your truck.
10. If your wallpaper is a collage of all the characters on the   Red Green Show.  (If it's the Beachcombers, you're just an "old" hoser)
11. If you end all your emails with "later eh"
12. If you read all of the above and find nothing particularly silly about most of them !! - you are definitely a HIGH TECH HOSER.

1. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
2. Duct tape won't fix that.
3. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
4. We don't keep firearms in this house.
5. You can't feed that to the dog.
6. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's not safe.
7. Wrasslin's fake." (for Sylvia A.K.A. Mrs. T. Richardson)
8. I'll have grapefruit instead of fried baloney.
9. Who's Jimmy Flynn?
10. Give me the small bag of dulse.
11. Moose heads detract from the decor.
12. Spittin' is such a nasty habit.
13. Trim the fat off that steak.
14. The tires on that truck are too big.
15. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
16. I've got it all on a floppy disk.
17. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
18. My fiancee is registered at Tiffany's. (Most of Allen's relative register at Mark's Work Wearhouse)
19. Checkmate.
20. Please, no more lobster.
21. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
22. I don't have a favorite hockey team.
23. My truck will never make through that mud bog.
24. Rita who?"
25. I couldn't find a thing at Canadian Tire today.
26. Quebec is a Distinct Society !!!

ANSWERS
1 The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. Open the refrigerator put in the elephant and close the refrigerator. Wrong Answer!
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through previous actions.
3. Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you
still have one more chance to show your true ability.
4. Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

One day, a mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and
drags him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts the offer.
So, the next morning, before the crowd arrives, the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants,
play and make fun of people, and he draws larger crowds than he ever did as a mime on the street.
However, eventually the crowd tires of him, and he tires of just swinging on auto tires. He notices that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the next
cage. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top of the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good
attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowd grows larger, and his salary keeps going up.
Then, one day, when he is dangling over the top of the lion's cage, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion raises himself up and prepares to pounce. The
mime is so scared that he begins to run around the cage with the lion in hot pursuit.
Finally, the mime starts screaming, "Help! Help me!"
The lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.
The lion says, "Shut up, you idiot, or we'll both lose our jobs!"

 The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool,and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome." Sven Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.

The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed, Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost $10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Toronto Star blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community.